The Interview: The Game

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SARA (on air): You've been listening to Mr Rumpersnump, a witness on the scene of the attempt downtown to bake the world's largest pizza. The latest figures from authorities — thirteen in critical condition at the hospital, dozens wounded. The cause, a spilled vat of simmering tomato sauce. This is Sara Park with XBC radio. Live news from yours truly from 8am to 8pm, seven days a week. After this message, a special interview with presidential hopeful Alfred Bugle. We haven't spoken for nine months, when our last exchange at the primary debate made headlines across the globe. Today, nothing is off limits. MAY (in Sara's earpiece): 20 seconds to the hour, throw to break now. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay to go to break I just need to press the button and say the words. Just press the button...// [[Press the button and say something|Throw to break and instructions]] [[Do nothing|Didn't throw to break.]]

SARA (on air): That's after the break. //AD MUSIC plays for a second and fades// SARA (to May through earpiece): Where do they get these fucking names. Ratchetpatch. MAY (in earpiece): Rumpersnump. Sara, it's May. Producer for the hour. SARA: You're always my producer this hour, May. MAY: It's protocol. To say my name. To confirm the connection. SARA: You could just laugh. MAY: Bugle is on in two minutes. Listeners are taking off since that tease. //SARA (thinking to self): Oh fuck, I don't have the questions for this interview. I need to press the button to ask May for them.// [[I don't have the questions|Instructions]]

MAY: We're radio silence here, Sara. Listeners dropping like flies. You've got the controls in there. Press the button, say the words, and go to break. [[That's after the break|throw to break after failure]] [[Do nothing|break fail 2]]

SARA (on air): That's after the break. //AD MUSIC plays for a second and fades// SARA (to May through earpiece): Where do they get these fucking names. Ratchetpatch. MAY (in earpiece): That was like 5 seconds of silence, Sara. It's May. Producer for the hour. SARA: You're always my producer this hour, May. MAY: It's protocol. To say my name. To confirm the connection. SARA: You could just laugh. MAY: Are you okay in there? SARA: I'm fine. Just a brain fart. MAY: Well get it out of your system. Bugle is on in two minutes. Listeners are taking off since that tease. //SARA (thinking to self): Oh fuck, I don't have the questions for this interview. I need to press the button to ask May for them.// [[I don't have the questions|Instructions]]

MAY: I'm literally going to kill you if you don't press this button. Hank is going to fire your ass and mine. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay seriously, get with it Sara. All I have to do is press the button.// [[Press the goddamn button|throw to break after failure]] [[Do nothing|break fail 3]]

MAY: The listeners are TWEETING ABOUT THIS. They think you had a stroke, Sara. Press. The. Button. Or I'm going to get angry. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay she sounds mad. Just got to press the button....// [[Go to the motherfucking break|throw to break after failure]] [[Do nothing|break fail final]]

MAY (in earpiece): Hank just //called our newsdesk//. He is furious. Katie is crying. My career is over you asshole. You're fucking dead, you've ruined this for both of us. I'm coming in there. BREAKING GLASS MAY (in person): I'm going to strangle you with that fucking headphone cord. STRANGLING SOUNDS, STRUGGLE, THEN STOP MAY (on air): This is producer May Clark in for Sara Park, that interview with Alfred Bugle...AFTER. THE. BREAK. (aside) That's all you had to say you moron. POLICE SIRENS [[You're dead.|Game over fail]]

Guess things didn't go so well for me today. If only there was a way to turn back time and really figure out what went wrong. GAME OVER

SARA (on air): Welcome back to XBC Radio, I'm Sara Park. Our guest at the top of this hour is presidential hopeful Alfred Bugle. Bugle has a dramatic history with yours truly. For nine long months, he and I have not spoken. Nor did I ever respond to his attacks on twitter. Tonight for the first time I'll ask him about our feud, and about his seemingly unstoppable rise to the top of the neopublican ticket. And nothing is off limits. Welcome to the show, Mr. Bugle. Thank you for hopping on the phone. BUGLE: Thank you very much. My honor. SARA: It's been a long nine months. BUGLE: It's been a long time, I agree. MAY (in earpiece): Okay here's where you can lob him that softball. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay I can press the button to ask him a question here. Or I could wait and let him take the lead, see what happens.// [[Mr. Bugle, a lot has changed in a year.|softball question]] [[Say nothing.|ask softball fail 1]]

MAY: We're radio silence here, Sara. Listeners dropping like flies. I have to get Bugle connected, so I can't deal with this. You've got the controls in there. Press the button, say the words, and intro the hour. [[Welcome back to XBC...|top of the hour after failure]] [[Do Nothing|return fail 2]]

SARA: Sorry folks, our intern tripped over a cable. BUGLE: Great to be here, Sara. SARA: Wait... MAY: Sara, you know I queue our guests up while you're doing the intro, which I thought you'd be doing like you always do. This isn't a good look, for Bugle to be getting the first word. SARA: We'll get to you in a second Mr. Bugle. BUGLE: Um. [[Let's do this right|Top of the Hour]]

MAY: Bugle is on the line waiting. I'm literally going to kill you if you don't go live right now. Hank is going to fire your ass and mine. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay seriously, get with it Sara. All I have to do is press the button.// [[Press the goddamn button|top of the hour after failure]] [[Do nothing|return fail 3]]

MAY: The listeners are TWEETING ABOUT THIS. They think you had a stroke, Sara. Press. The. Button. Or I'm going to get angry. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay she sounds mad. Just got to press the button....// [[Start the frickin interview|top of the hour after failure]] [[Do nothing|return fail final]]

MAY (in earpiece): Hank just //called our newsdesk//. He is furious. Katie is crying. My career is over you asshole. You're fucking dead, you've ruined this for both of us. I'm coming in there. BREAKING GLASS MAY (in person): I'm going to strangle you with that fucking headphone cord. STRANGLING SOUNDS, STRUGGLE, THEN STOP MAY (on air): This is producer May Clark in for Sara Park on XBC Radio. We're back with that interview with Alfred Bugle. (aside) That's all you had to say you moron. POLICE SIRENS [[You're dead.|Game over fail]]

SARA: (laughs) There are plenty of outer space documentaries out there for those interested, Mr. Bugle, and I'm certainly impressed by your knowledge, but this is a news show — and I think our listeners would like to hear the latest news on you... and yours truly. BUGLE: Oh boy. Here it comes. SARA: (laughs) As promised. BUGLE: I better put my filter on. SARA: Up to you how to respond. So, at the primary debate, nine months ago. I asked you a question. BUGLE: Not a fair question. SARA: I thought it was a fair question. What I said was, "You've equated terrestrial humans to fat cows, slugs, and vermin. You once told a contestant on Texas Chainsaw he would be more likeable if he'd been born in a lower gravity environment. Does that sound to you like the temperament of a man we should elect as president?" BUGLE: Woof. SARA: Later that night, on twitter, you said I had "Human juice coming out of my eyes, human juice coming out of my wherever." BUGLE: I didn't say that. SARA: You did. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay here's where I can dig in and ask my question. Or I could let him dig a hole for himself.// [[Do you stand by what you said?|Debate Sara start]] [[Say nothing.|Debate Bugle start]]

Bugle: So this is all the Ufolian stuff. And it's great stuff. Have you heard about this? It turns out there are still satan worshippers out there. I know! Pedophiles, all of them. And these aliens, sorry, these higher beings — the Ufolians, have come to get rid of them once and for all. Don't you think that's interesting Sara? MAY: You've gotta redirect him here. 10 million listeners now. I guess the word is out he's talking about Ufoliagate. We have to protect them. //SARA: Okay, this Ufolian stuff is dangerous, I need to move on. But those listeners seem to be loving it...// [[Let's get back on topic|Ask about the debate after softball fail]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian rant 2]]

BUGLE: I want to ask you about Ufolians, Sara. And if you think it explains the crazy stuff going on in this country. It seems like you agree with me on this Sara. I know you're not allowed to say anything about it to me. But your silence speaks volumes. That's my question - do you agree with me that Ufolians explain all this weird stuff that's happening? I'll take silence as a yes. //SARA: Do I agree with him? Or should I butt in?// [[I don't agree.|Husband hint after rant]] [[Say nothing.|Ufolian sound poison hint before power ask]]

BUGLE: And on the subject of Ufolians. I'm going to say a few words to you before our time is up, Sara. "I wonder if love just has a time limit built in? If this thing between us, like anything, just dies. And it's nothing about us, but our bond just isn't supposed to last, and that's fine. We should be fine with that, Sara." SARA: What? BUGLE: Sounds familiar, doesn't it. MAY: Don't give him the satisfaction, he's playing with you. Don't say anything, wait for the next opening. [[What did you just say?|Ufolian husband reveal]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian sound poison hint before power ask]]

SARA: What did you just say? BUGLE: That's what your husband, Bruno, said to you this morning, right? That your love is destined to die. SARA: How do you know that? BUGLE: The Ufolians told me all about it. They've been speaking to both of us, to me and Bruno. I actually have Bruno on the phone with me. He'd like to say something to you. BRUNO: sara ROBOT BLEEPS help me ROBOT BLEEPS something is happening to me. ROBOT BLEEPS bugle ROBOT BLEEPS he's BLEEP BLOOP me. We're all BLEEP BLOOP ascension. [[Uh oh.|Sound poison game over]]

BUGLE: Well it seems like we're just two Ufoliophiles here today. I'm so happy Sara. And there's a special gift the Ufolians have given me. Yes, I've talked with them. Many times. Great people. They've given me a gift, a musical gift that could help out a lot of people. And I'd love to play it. MAY: Sara! Are you hypnotized in there? Let me know if I need to cut the line. Stop this. He's a loose cannon today, just get us that power outage statement. [[Say something to stop this|power outage ask bad start]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian sound poison reveal]]

BUGLE: My friends the Ufolians have given me a sound wave that can help me win the election. Isn't that awesome. So much easier. MAY: Sara? [[Say nothing.|Sound poison game over]]

BUGLE (like a robot): bleep bloop blip bleeep blop blop bleeeeep bloop bloooop bleep bleep. CRASHING SOUNDS FROM THE OTHER ROOM MAY (in earpiece): A helicopter is flying into the newsroom! SARA: You're very right, Mr. Bugle. Sorry. President Bugle. Congratulations on this historic victory. MAY: Bruno is flying the helicopter, he sounds like a robot. Sara, get out of there, the whole place is coming down. THE BUILDING CRASHES TO THE GROUND. [[You're dead.|Game over fail]]

SARA: Mr. Bugle, a lot has changed in a year. You're no longer just Alfred Bugle, electricity tycoon, or Alfred Bugle, host of "Texas Chainsaw: The Reality Competion Show." Now you're steps away from the presidency. What is the most poignant lesson you've learned during your rise to political prominence? BUGLE: Thank you for the question, Sara. It's a good question, and I've learned a lot, there are a lot of things to learn. My wife, Titania, she would say, oh boy would she say we've learned some things. I think family. Family is what comes to mind when you ask it like that. And also, the smallness of earth, the insignificance of our planet, of our species, in the scope of the solar system, the galaxy, the universe, the size of our brains compared to the neural energy in alpha centauri.... MAY (in earpiece): Okay our fact checker is telling me this is Ufolian rhetoric he's diving into. Listeners are rising, by a lot. I know it sounds innocent now but, really, just stop him before he gets too far into the Ufolian stuff. He's comfortable, clearly, so move to the debate. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay here's my chance to get this back on track. But I do want to know more about this Ufolian stuff. And the listeners do love it. I could just let him go on about outer space. // [[Laugh it off and change the topic.|Ask about the debate]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian rant 1]]

MAY: Sara, what's going on. BUGLE: Sara. Ms. Park. Are you still with us? I have things I'd love to share with your listeners. Big things. //Sara (to self): I mean I guess I could go on, but also, he could run this show by himself. Maybe I should just sit back and rack up the listeners.// [[I'm still here|Softball after fail]] [[Say nothing|ask softball fail 2]]

BUGLE: I think your listeners should know about the unique bond between alpha centauri A and alpha centauri B. SARA: I'd actually like to start the interview on a different topic. BUGLE: Go ahead, be a host. [[Ask the question.|softball after fail 2]]

BUGLE: Well, Sara, if you're not going to talk, I'll just speak to all the listeners directly. There are millions, am I right? I have great news about the galaxy. MAY: Sara, come on. This outer space stuff. It's Ufolian, you've gotta change the topic. //SARA (thinking to self): I could do the interview, or we could all hear about Ufolia straight from the source...// [[Let's get back on track|Softball after fail]] [[Say nothing|Sound poison game over]]

SARA: I think our listeners would like to hear the latest news on you... and yours truly. BUGLE: Oh boy. Here it comes. SARA: (laughs) As promised. BUGLE: I better put my filter on. SARA: Up to you how to respond. So, at the primary debate, nine months ago. I asked you a question. BUGLE: Not a fair question. SARA: I thought it was a fair question. [[Do you stand by what you said?|Debate Sara start Bugle Interrupt]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian rant 2]]

SARA: My question for you is: Do you stand by what you said? The sapiophobic things you said about me that day, and your history of sapiophobic attacks on other people? BUGLE: If you're calling me... I can tell you, I'm not a sapiophobe. SARA: But you've said these things — vermin, slugs, human juice. BUGLE: I said that? SARA: You did. BUGLE: Oh. Well of course I take responsbility for saying those things. SARA: Thank you. MAY (in earpiece): Sick. You got him. BUGLE: If I said them, which you say I did. But, it was all because of the things I was learning at the time, wonderful things - about nebula - have you heard about this? Nebula, nebulae? MAY: You can't justify that with a response. Say nothing to keep this on track. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay I can try to follow up on this line of thought and tear him down that way. But it does sound kind of Ufolian. Maybe best to let him tire himself out, like May says.// [[Say nothing|Debate resolve all success]] [[How could nebulae possibly justify these offensive statements?|Debate resolve fail]]

BUGLE: What I did or didn't say is up for debate. Human juice, come on. And, Sara, I think before you ask me any questions I have a question for you. MAY: He's a loose cannon today, just get us that power outage statement. [[I have a question, about power outages.|power outage ask bad start]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian rant 2]]

SARA: Do you stand by what you said? BUGLE: What I did or didn't say is up for debate. Human juice, come on. And, Sara, I think before you ask me any questions I have a question for you. MAY: He's a loose cannon today, just get us that power outage statement. [[I have a question, about power outages.|power outage ask bad start]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian rant 2]]

BUGLE: Nebulo? Am I saying that right? It's the star womb thing. Nebulon? These power outages, definitely somthing nebulo happening there. SARA: Outages. That's exactly what I wanted to ask you about next. BUGLE: Yes, the power outages. Power outages are huge right now, very big, very bad. All over. People are saying. MAY (in earpiece): Here's your chance, Sara. Get his response to the Nevada outages. Before he can come up with some "nebulo" theory. It's Ufolian stuff. We have two minutes left and 15 million listeners. [[We've just learned three towns have lost power...|power outage ask]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian rant 2]]

SARA: We've just learned three towns have lost power in Nevada. Three Bugle towns. BUGLE: My favorite kind of town. SARA: That makes 100 towns served by Bugle Electricity that have randomly, irreversibly lost power in the past two weeks. BUGLE: We're working hard at solving this problem, I will say... SARA: Is it a coincidence that the towns that have lost power, are all traditional voting strongholds of your opponents, the Technopublican party? BUGLE: Oh come on. Have you ever run a utility Sara? These things happen. The star dust activity, even our engineers say this, the star dust activity, and I know you won't like this, but the Ufolian activity, has a lot to do with this. MAY (in earpiece): You have to stop this now Sara. People are tweeting about ascension. That means suicide in Ufolian. And that's on us for letting him talk about it. [[The real question here is your leadership|power outage resolve success]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian Husband Hint after power]]

SARA: The real question here is your leadership, your lack of leadership. And your work to undermine Maircan democracy through your monopolistic control of electricity in this country. BUGLE: I love Maircah. My father loved Maircah, that's why he started Bugle Electric. SARA: So it is a coincidence that it's all pink districts that have lost access to Bugle electricity? BUGLE: If they weren't pink districts, I can tell you, well, I shouldn't say this. But if they weren't pink, if they were Neopublican, if they were winners, let's say they might have power. But if I can get back to the topic of the neural density of stars... MAY: Okay that was fucking awesome. I can't believe he said that. Cut the line before he goes full crazy. Just press the button to sign off. You did it Sara! //SARA (thinking to self): Okay I know I should end it but the listeners haven't gotten that much Ufolia, maybe it wouldn't be too risky to let him say a little more.// [[That's enough from you, Bugle.|end show all success good]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian sound poison hint after power ask]]

SARA: You've said all we need to hear. Thank you for joining me, Mr. Bugle. Good bye. BUGLE: Goodbye Sara. Say hello to Bruno for me. That's your husband, right? SARA: And my best to Titania. MAY: I cut the line. He's off. SARA: That was presidential candidate Alfred Bugle. Thank you for joining us. We'll be back with the latest on the disaster at the world's largest pizza after these messages. AD MUSIC FADES UP [[Phew glad that's over]]

SARA (to May): Phew I'm glad that's over. MAY: You were awesome. But there's one thing. Bruno keeps calling. SARA: Put him through. It's a long ad break. MAY: Okay, if you say so. Just press the button to pick up the phone. [[Hi sugarboo]]

SARA: Hi, Sugarboo. BRUNO: sara ROBOT BLEEPS help me ROBOT BLEEPS something is happening to me. ROBOT BLEEPS bugle ROBOT BLEEPS he's BLEEP BLOOP me. We're all BLEEP BLOOP ascension. PHONE DISCONNECTS, DIAL TONE SARA: Bruno. Bruno! May, what's wrong with the line. MAY: There's nothing wrong with the line. SARA: I need to go home. MAY: We still have to fill the bottom half of the hour. Can it wait? AD MUSIC FADES IN [[Welcome back to XBC|end welcome back]]

SARA (crying): Welcome back to XBC radio, I'm your host, Sara Park. GAME OVER

SARA: How could nebulae possibly justify these offensive statements? BUGLE: I'd love to explain this to you Sara. I think an example is probably best. Some wise words from a friend of mine. "I wonder if love just has a time limit built in? If this thing between us, like anything, just dies. And it's nothing about us, but our bond just isn't supposed to last, and that's fine. We should be fine with that, Sara." SARA: What? BUGLE: Sounds familiar, doesn't it. MAY: Don't give him the satisfaction, he's playing with you. Don't say anything, wait for the next opening. [[What did you just say?|Ufolian husband reveal]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian sound poison hint before power ask]]

SARA: Can someone print the questions for me? I forgot to ask the intern for them before he left. MAY: Are you serious? We have zero time. SARA: I know. MAY: You're gonna have to wing it. SARA: Can you remind me what our plan of attack is for this one? MAY: I know this 12 hour shift is crazy but where is your head today, Sara? This is the big one. SARA: We have one minute, just give me a fucking plan. MAY: Okay so you have to open soft or he'll go off the walls. Just chit chat, but like, don't be too friendly. Then when you get an opening, press into the debate fiasco. After that it's all yours. All we need need before he gets off is a statement on the power outages. Three towns in Nevada just went out in the past ten minutes. SARA: Bugle towns? MAY: Yeah. All three of them. Just know, when you ask him about this, and about anything really, he’s going to want to talk about Ufoliagate. He's been on it all week. But you can't let him say too much wacko stuff. SARA: Ufoliagate gets listeners. Hank LOVES Ufoliagate. This is promotion-worthy stuff, May. MAY: Up to you how to handle it. The men upstairs may like the listeners, but it’s our journalistic duty to be restrained on this. Seriously. And people have been committing suicide because of all this Ufolian shit. We have 5 million people tuned in right now. And it’s going up. SARA: I know. Wow. Bugle. Ufoliagate. The listeners on this are going to be crazy. MAY: I’ll prompt you to interject when I sense an opening. Just press your button to turn the mic on when you want to talk. You know the one. SARA: Game on. MAY: And remember - I'll be with you the whole time, and he can't hear anything I'm saying. This is a safe space. SARA: I know how an earpiece works May. MAY: Okay I have to set the line up with Bugle. I'll patch him through after your intro. We're back on in ten. AD MUSIC fades up and ends //SARA (thinking to self): Okay all I need to do is press the button and run through the top of the show.// [[Welcome back to XBC Radio|Top of the Hour]] [[Do nothing|Fail to return from break 1]]

SARA: Mr. Bugle, a lot has changed in a year. You're no longer just Alfred Bugle, electricity tycoon, or Alfred Bugle, host of "Texas Chainsaw: The Reality Competion Show." Now you're steps away from the presidency. What is the most poignant lesson you've learned during your rise to political prominence? BUGLE: Thank you for the question, Sara. It's a good question, and I've learned a lot, there are a lot of things to learn. My wife, Titania, she would say, oh boy would she say we've learned some things. I think family. Family is what comes to mind when you ask it like that. And also, the smallness of earth, the insignificance of our planet, of our species, in the scope of the solar system, the galaxy, the universe, the size of our brains compared to the neural energy in alpha centauri.... MAY (in earpiece): Okay our fact checker is telling me this is Ufolian rhetoric he's diving into. Listeners are rising, by a lot. I know it sounds innocent now but, really, just stop him before he gets too far into the Ufolian stuff. He's comfortable, clearly, so move to the debate. //SARA (thinking to self): Okay here's my chance to get this back on track. But I do want to know more about this Ufolian stuff. And the listeners do love it. I could just let him go on about outer space. // [[Actually, can we talk about the debate?|Ask about the debate after softball fail]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian rant 1]]

SARA: Before we run out of time, I need to ask. We've just learned three towns have lost power in Nevada. Three Bugle towns. BUGLE: My favorite kind of town. SARA: That makes 100 towns served by Bugle Electricity that have randomly, irreversibly lost power in the past two weeks. BUGLE: We're working hard at solving this problem, I will say. Have you ever run a utility Sara? These things happen. The star dust activity, even our engineers say this, the star dust activity, and I know you won't like this, but the Ufolian activity, has a lot to do with this, and let me tell you why. MAY (in earpiece): You have to stop this now Sara. People are tweeting about ascension. That means suicide in Ufolian. And that's on us for letting him talk about it. [[Let's just stop|Interview end extra time]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian husband hint]]

SARA: And that's all the time we have. Thank you Mr..... BUGLE: We actually have two minutes left and there's something I want to say to your listeners, Sara. You never gave me a chance to say it. [[No stopping him now|Sound poison game over]]

SARA: I don't agree, Mr. Bugle. I don't see how Ufolians explain anything that's happening. And there are some pressing issues to be dealt with on this planet, by us humans. Like the power outages sweeping the country. I want to know— BUGLE: If love just has a time limit built in? If this thing between us, like anything, just dies. And it's nothing about us, but our bond just isn't supposed to last, and that's fine. We should be fine with that, Sara. SARA: What? BUGLE: Sounds familiar, doesn't it. [[What did you just say?|Ufolian husband reveal]] [[Say nothing|Sound poison game over]]

BUGLE: Well it seems like we're just two Ufoliophiles here today. I'm so happy Sara. And there's a special gift the Ufolians have given me. Yes, I've talked with them. Many times. Great people. They've given me a gift, a musical gift that could help out a lot of people. And I'd love to play it. MAY: Sara! Are you hypnotized in there? Let me know if I need to cut the line. Stop this. [[Say something to stop this|Interview end extra time]] [[Say nothing|Ufolian sound poison reveal]]

''The Interview: The Game'' by <a href="https://maxgibson.squarespace.com/">Max Gibson</a> You are radio host Sara Park. You have a very important interview with presidential candidate Alfred Bugle on your show today. Your decisions will affect the information he shares with you, as well as the safety of your listeners and loved ones. Your producer, May, will be speaking to you through your earpiece, to help you out. You may need to try multiple conversation paths to discover the full extent of how this interview could change Sara's life. [[Start game|Sara open]]

by <a href="https://maxgibson.squarespace.com/">Max Gibson</a>